I don’t know why, but I’m going through a transformation. I don’t know if it was finally getting married – and realizing I am now, and always will be, someone’s wife; or because I’m 100% committed to starting an art career - even though it means going back to school (and paying for it!); or the fact that hubby is also going through a time of reevaluation – which makes me feel selfish for wanting to focus on me. Whatever the reason, my head is exploding with ideas and projects I just don’t seem to have time to flesh out or finish. I carry a journal and art supplies with me everywhere now, and when the mood strikes I go with it. I’ve even found some needed encouragement in Keri Smith’s truly inspiring and uplifting blog. She is full of angst and insight, and her thoughts about art and life have helped me strike out in a new direction. And yet, I’m worried. I’ve always been the type of person to jump into a new hobby or book or relationship or class with both feet. Usually I’ll be gung ho for a while, and then my interest wanes. I stop working on a project and then think “Well I can’t remember where I left off” or “I don’t like this anymore” and quit. And I don’t want to quit anymore. I want to see this through. I want to change my life for the better. I want to be happy with the work I do. I want to create. I want to work with creative people. How do I keep on keepin’ on?
This blog is a perfect example. I started it months ago and let it languish. I tell myself it doesn’t matter. I don’t have an audience, it’s just for me. But it’s here, it’s out there and it’s laughing at me. So to prove to myself (at the very least) that I can move forward, that I can continue to grow, that I can create things other people will admire, I will try hard to not give up this time.
When I’m cranky I’ll write it down. When I’m happy I’ll write it down. When I make something I will document it. And when it all feels like too much, I’ll step back and remind myself it doesn’t matter what other people think. I’m allowed to take it slow. I’m allowed to draw something new. In fact, I’m allowed to sit in one spot and watch the world go by. The only person who can keep me from doing something is me. And I’m becoming someone who won’t let that happen anymore.